Self-discovery isn’t ‘selfish’ (neither is self-love)

I was in conversation with someone recently who mentioned that she felt like any activity that was focused on ‘self’ made her feel incredibly guilty—and this sentiment is just oh, too familiar.  Common advice, at least in the Christian circles I inhabit, states that humility ‘isn’t thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less’.  I believe that the intention behind that phrase is that we ought not to think too hard and too long about our appearance, how we look to others, or what others can do for us (ego-based thinking).  But in our interpretation of this phrase we may paint in too broad of strokes, accidentally internalizing the principle that all thoughts of self must go, and that all of our time, energy and thoughts must be focused on others.

But our egos are not our whole selves.  No doubt the ego must die—that is the part of us where both pride and insecurity live.  It is focused on protecting our appearance and maintaining the self-protective ways that we think of ourselves and the world.  Without any self-reflection or efforts toward self-discovery, our ego will just be allowed to continue to live.  And gritting our teeth and forcing ourselves to think about others only, while our egos continue to live on in our minds—will lead to resentment, possibly co-dependency and definitely poor boundaries.

But in order to recognize that we have an ego at all, we need to engage in self-reflection.  Yes, we need to get into the therapist’s chair, or meet with a coach, or join a support group and engage in the difficult work of examining ourselves.  It will be painful, but we need to remember that beyond the ego there is a deeper ‘self’ that is worth discovering.  This self is the seat of our deepest values and convictions—the thing that drives us forward in life, and maybe the parts of ourselves that don’t quite fit with our ego.  We have dark parts of ourselves that we hide and suppress out of fear that our entire sense of self will crumble if we address them.

But I have walked through this kind of journey myself and I can say with certainty that if I made it through, you can too.

My healing journey for the past 4 years has forced me to acknowledge things I wasn’t willing to before—that I have been emotionally immature and often lacked empathy for others around me—two things that were extremely painful for my ego.  But I slowly began to realize that those things are problems of mine—not my identity—and I can take steps to change it. 

I learned that even in those moments when what we’re learning about ourselves goes against our ego, we can still stand as a solid and complete person—because that part of you that is driving you toward growth and toward self-examination in the first place is separate from the ego.  If you recognize that this is only part of the process of growth and not death (which is what it may feel like), amazing fruit will come of this.